The Berea Chronicles

(Writer's Note: Ignore the fact that the last post in this blog was dated Feb. 23, 2008.  I really like doing this thing.  Honest.)

As I begin typing this, the clock above the TV reads 12:33 a.m. Eastern Standard Time.

I'm in the process of writing a story for the next issue of The Orange & Brown Report magazine, one which will feature a game-by-game look at the upcoming season and predictions for both the games and the season as a whole.

And, honestly, I'm flip-flopping more than H.W. when a tax stance is involved.  I'm rewriting, deleting and rewriting some more at a world record pace.

Look over the roster... look at the schedule... go back to the roster... then back to the schedule... then think about the '07 season... then think about the last seven games of that season... then roster and schedule again...

And I wanna talk myself into it, that this will be The Year.  The year this whole mess since The Return gets straightened out and rewards everybody who has a vested interest/love/obsession in/with this team with a playoff run.  And a deep run at that.

But this nagging voice in the back of my head -- one, if it had a name, would rhyme with "TCE" if I'm not mistaken -- will simply not go away.

Every bone in my body with any knowledge of football tells me that this is a more-than-solid football team Phil Savage & Company has assembled.  One that has the potential to be very, very good, the schedule be damned.

Then it hits me: the voice I hear, the TCE one, has a sound and tone eerily reminiscent to that of the dialect of a certain people indigenous to the extreme northwest of Oregon.

Then, all of the madness and uncertainty begins to make sense.

Anyway, just felt the need to get that off my chest.  Now, it's back to the mag piece.  Which is writer code for "I need to finish this so I can pee and grab another beer."

For those hoping the Chicago Bears would be one of the teams bidding for the services of Derek Anderson this off-season, you can all but forget about it.

The Chicago Sun Times is reporting that the Bears and quarterback Rex Grossman are on the verge of reaching an agreement on a new contract, a deal which could be consummated as early as today.  According to the paper, the two sides are discussing a one- or two-year deal heavy on incentives.

Such a move would leave the Bears with three starters who have fairly extensive starting experience in the NFL--Grossman, Kyle Orton and Brian Griese.  It will also leave no room at the Chicago free-agent inn for Anderson.

In all honesty, though, the Bears had all but ruled pursuing Anderson over a month ago, after a series of free-agent meetings led to the conclusion Anderson was not the answer at the position.

(Editor's Note: and Grossman is???  What the hell does that say about Anderson, then?)

Of course, if you had an Insider subscription, you'd already have known that, no wouldn't you?

At least that's what ESPN thinks when it comes to Browns starting (?) quarterback Derek Anderson.

In an article titled "QB Anderson didn't deserve Pro Bowl" that you won't be able to read unless you're an Insider--don't you hate it when a website charges for content?--writer KC Joyner lists the free-agent-to-be as one of the eight most overrated players in the NFL.

Joyner notes that Anderson's QB rating of 82.5 was below Sage Rosenfels, among others, and that the club's ten wins shouldn't have resulted in a Pro Bowl trip for the QB.  And he added something about the players metrics not measuring up to their reputations.

Ouch.

I don't know that Anderson is one of the most overrated players in the league, but I do believe that Brady Quinn's seat-warmer's value is a little overrated by a vast majority of fans and media types in this town.

As an aside and apropos of noting, I noticed a picture of Joyner in the article and found out he's a white guy.  For whatever reason, I didn't think that was the case.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.

While he's yet to be officially slapped with the franchise-tag designation, Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs is a matter of days away from being designated as such.

According to the Baltimore Sun, the Ravens will tag Suggs if a long-term agreement cannot be reached before the the February 21 deadline for application of the franchise designation.

""We will be using the franchise tag on Terrell if we don't have a long-term deal in place between now and then," Baltimore general manager Ozzie Newsome told The Sun.

The OBR has heard rumblings that Suggs would've been the top priority of the Browns this off-season, but most within the organization--including one person who remains in close contact to his former club--were resigned to the fact they would not get the chance to bid on the talented LB.

"...and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a goddamn bridge abutment!" - Chris Farley, in "Tommy Boy".

Thus sums up perfectly my feelings regarding the Pro Bowl in general and Derek Anderson's performance and how it "affected his value" in said game specifically.

It was a practice game, man.  A practice game.  We're talkin' about a practice game, man.

Nothing more, nothing less.

The only thing that DA's play in yesterday's meaningless game meant was more ammunition for the anti-DA crowd.  Very much, ironically, like the plaudits for his play in meaningless practice sessions leading up to the meaningless game provided ammo for the pro-DA crowd.

For people without an agenda or an angle, the Pro Bowl meant and means nothing.

To teams looking for a quarterback and possibly considering a run at the current Browns starter, what he did yesterday meant as much as what I did during the game yesterday.

(Oddly enough, it looked like DA did the exact same thing I did during the game: drank heavily.)

Clubs have 18 games worth of film to determine DA's value.  To use an exhibition game as a data point on a value chart makes one either very short-sighted, agenda-laden or a member of the Bengals' paper-thin scouting department.  Or all three.

This morning, I spoke with an NFL front office-type regarding a matter completely unrelated to Anderson.  Toward the end of the conversation, I felt obligated to ask him the question that nearly every Browns fan has on his mind right now.

"What kind of an effect would DA's performance in Honolulu have on his contract situation?"

He laughed.  Quite heartily, in fact.

As I do at people who use yesterday's game to say one way or the other what his value should be or what the Browns should do with him.

Now where's that bridge abutment...

For the first time since 1994, six members of the Cleveland Browns will represent the organization in Hawaii as quarterback Derek Anderson and tight end Kellen Winslow were named to the Pro Bowl squad.

Anderson will replace Tom Brady, who will be too busy plowing supermodels to bother with an exhibition game, while Winslow will replaced the injured Antonio Gates.

Josh Cribbs and Braylon Edwards were voted on to the original team, while Joe Thomas and Ryan Pontbriand were added to the squads later.

Winslow becomes the second draft pick of the Butch Davis Era to make the Pro Bowl, joining the long-snapping Pontbriand.

Here's the Browns press release regarding the latest Pro Bowl additions:

Cleveland Browns quarterback Derek Anderson and tight end Kellen Winslow were named to the 2008 AFC Pro Bowl roster, the league announced today.  Anderson replaces New England quarterback Tom Brady and Winslow replaces San Diego tight end Antonio Gates. 

“We're excited the Browns will have such a presence at the Pro Bowl this year,” said Browns Senior Vice President and General Manager, Phil Savage.  “Kellen (Winslow) has overcome so much in the past two years and is a real catalyst for our team. Derek (Anderson) became the starter under difficult conditions after week one and led us to ten wins and a 7-0 home record. Both will grow from this experience in Hawaii.”

Anderson was 10-5 as a starter and completed 298-of-527 passing for 3,787 yards with 29 touchdowns and 19 interceptions for a 82.5 quarterback rating.  Anderson finished the season tied for second in franchise history with 29 passing touchdowns, fifth in attempts (527), fifth in passing yards (3,787) and sixth in completions (298).

Winslow led the Browns with 82 receptions and ranked second on the club with 1,106 yards receiving and five touchdowns.  Winslow’s 1,106 yards receiving are the most by a Browns tight end in franchise history and third overall in franchise annals.

Anderson and Winslow join Browns kick returner Joshua Cribbs, wide receiver Braylon Edwards, long snapper Ryan Pontbriand and left tackle Joe Thomas as the first Browns players selected to the Pro Bowl since LB Jamir Miller was named during the 2001 season (2002 Pro Bowl).

The last time the Browns had six players named to the Pro Bowl was following the 1994 season when six Browns players went to Hawaii. The last Browns quarterback named to the Pro Bowl was Bernie Kosar in the 1987 season (1988 Pro Bowl) and the last Browns tight end named to the Pro Bowl was Hall of Famer Ozzie Newsome in the 1985 season (1986 Pro Bowl).

An ode to Bill Belichick...

But I see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors...

And I'll see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors...

It takes an arrogant, true football coaching piece of feces to leave his team with time still left on the clock. 

To head down the tunnel as your team watches a perfect season go down the shitter.  To let your players wallow in the on-the-field bitterness of a dream season in ruins, without their Emperor to fall on the very same sword.

To do... just... to do that.

Jeysus Kreest, at least Nero had the common decency to stay around and play the fiddle while his empire burned all around him.

Doesn't matter if it was one second left with no hope, or two seconds left in 2004 when Randy Moss walked off the field with nary a glimmer of victory in sight.

I just hope the same vitriol that was spewed at Moss will come back on Mumbles.  In spades.

Belichick's legacy isn't three Lombardi's, or Spygate I, or whatever comes out of Spygate The Sequel.  No, rather, it's a small, narrow-minded, shallow, callous, mean-spirited little man walking off the field with time still left on the clock.

"Tarnished"

THAT is the legacy of the modern-day Napoleon.

...I would be very surprised if it didn't come out sometime in the not-too-distant future that the Derek Anderson camp is "slightly" "offended" by the Browns' initial contract offer.  You might see that on The OBR at some point; or even in the Only Cleveland Print Publication after reading The OBR.

...Great read by The OBR's Lane Adkins on the Todd Grantham situation, posted right HERE for your perusing pleasure.  If you don't already have a subscription, do it now.  It's well worth it just for the three-parter Lane's putting out there.  Plus, it'll help pay for that yacht I'm buying and planning on docking in the south of France.

...C'mon, TMZ.  Leave Brittany and however many personas she has alone.  Yer better than that.  What's that?  Shit.  Never mind.

...The Browns are none too pleased that Kellen Winslow is delaying his decision on whether or not to have further work done on his knee and/or shoulder based on possible participation in a practice game. 

...Related to the above, I took Romeo Crennel's answer to one question asked of him at his PC earlier this week--if he is fine with Winslow's medical delay--and put it through the prism of an OBR Bullshit filter, and here's what the machine spit back at me:

I mean listen, we're sitting here talking about the Pro Bowl, not a game, not a game, not a game, but we're talking about the Pro Bowl. Not the game that he goes out there and dies for and plays every game like it's his last but we're talking about the Pro Bowl, man. How silly is that?... I know it's important, I honestly do but we're talking about the Pro Bowl. We're talking about the Pro Bowl, man.  We're talking about the Pro Bowl. We're talking about the Pro Bowl. We're not talking about the game. We're talking about the Pro Bowl... but we're talking about the Pro Bowl right now.

...On the personal tip, I'm happy for Crennel.  For his contract extension.  I still don't get it, though, the need for two more years as a show of continuity.  What's that?  Chud was recently re-upped 'til 2011?  To quote the great lyricists Tag Team, whoomp, there it is.

...With the exception of Marv Levy—who is a statistical, physiological and Methuselogical anomaly—there has only been one head coach in NFL history older than the age of 58 to have won a Super Bowl in his first appearance.

Weeb Ewbank was 61 years, 242 days old when he won SB III as head coach of the Jets team that shocked the NFL world.

When Super Bowl XLIII is played on February 1, 2009, Crennel will be 61 years, 228 days old.

...Orpheus Roye's cap number for the 2008 season will be $5.5 million.  He just turned 35 ten days ago.  The Browns would save roughly $3 million against the cap by releasing the defensive end.  You make the call.

...Just throwing this out there: if Hillary bests Barack for the Democratic nomination and goes on to become the POTUS, will the C-word trump the N-bomb for divisiveness?  How does all of that buzzword, must-fire-Imus shit work, anyway?

...Redneck Post of the Weak: "Arguing on internet blogs is like running in the Special Olympics. Even if you win, your still retarded."

Your right, good sir.  Here's you're sign...

Less than 24 hours after it was first reported by Scout.com, the Browns have confirmed that head coach Romeo Crennel has received a two-year contract extension.  The new deal means that the 60-year-old Crennel is now signed through the 2011 season.

Crennel will speak with the media at 2 p.m. ET this afternoon.  Additionally, and for the first time since his promotion, new defensive coordinator Mel Tucker will be made available to the media.  Tucker will speak following the Crennel press conference.

Here's the club's official press release on Crennel's new contract:

The Cleveland Browns have signed Head Coach Romeo Crennel to a two-year contract extension through the 2011 season, the club announced today. 

“I would like to thank Randy Lerner and the Lerner family for their confidence in the direction the program is going,” said Crennel.  “I would also like to thank Phil Savage, the Browns organization, as well as my coaches and players without whom none of this would be possible. We are excited for the upcoming season and will continue to work extremely hard toward making the Browns a consistent competitor within the division and a consistent winner in the NFL.” 

“We’re pleased to get this two-year extension done with Romeo Crennel,” said Browns Senior Vice President and General Manager, Phil Savage.  “Romeo has proven that he can be a winning NFL head coach, and he has the respect of the players and of the entire organization.  Not only is Romeo an excellent coach, he is a person of impeccable character, which sets an exemplary tone for everyone in the Browns’ organization.”

In his third season as head coach with the Browns, Crennel led the club to a 10-6 record last season, including a franchise-best seven home wins.  Crennel, who has a 20-28 career record, was originally named head coach on Feb. 8, 2005, the 11^th full-time head coach in franchise history.

Besides San Fernando Valley "actresses" and White House interns, not too many people make millions of dollars for putting their head between their legs on a regular basis.

Not only does Ryan Pontbriand do just that, but he can now add "Pro Bowler" to his ever-growing resume as the Browns long-snapper was named today to the AFC Pro Bowl squad.

The five-year veteran is the first member of one of Butch Davis' draft classes to earn a trip to Honolulu.  Think about that statement, and the wondering over why the Browns have alternately sucked and blown over the past few seasons will soon dissipate.

Anyway, here's the Browns press release announcing Pontbriand's honor:

Cleveland Browns long snapper Ryan Pontbriand was named to the 2008 AFC Pro Bowl roster, the league announced this afternoon. 

Pontbriand, who signed a four-year contract extension (through 2011 season) earlier this season, was originally a fifth-round draft choice in the 2003 NFL Draft out of Rice University.  Pontbriand is a key member of the special teams unit and helped K Phil Dawson to a career-best 120 points last season on 26-of-30 field goal attempts.  Pontbriand also aided P Dave Zastudil, who recorded a 41.8 yard average and a 34.6 net average.

“I’m thrilled. Making the Pro Bowl is a goal I was always hoping for but never thought I'd see this early in my career,” said Pontbriand.  “To be selected means a lot because there are several excellent snappers in the AFC and a lot of long-time veterans who have been snapping well for many years.  Phil Dawson, Dave Zastudil and the rest of the special teams unit deserve most of the credit.  It’s going to be a memorable experience.”

Pontbriand joins Browns kick returner Joshua Cribbs, wide receiver Braylon Edwards and left tackle Joe Thomas as the first Browns players selected to the Pro Bowl since LB Jamir Miller was named during the 2001 season (2002 Pro Bowl). The last time the Browns had four (or more) players named to the Pro Bowl was following the 1994 season when six Browns players went to Hawaii.

“Ryan (Pontbriand) has been amazingly consistent with his snapping ability over the years. He is considered by many to be the best in the NFL, so it is only fitting that he is receiving the recognition of being a Pro Bowler.” said Browns Senior Vice President and General Manager, Phil Savage.

In addition, three other Browns players remain as first alternates for the Pro Bowl:  QB Derek Anderson, LG Eric Steinbach and TE Kellen Winslow.

In the latest issue of the Orange & Brown Report magazine, I began an article the following way:

Over the first thirty-nine years of my life, I have dealt with two unquestioned and absolute certainties.

One, the inevitability of death. And, two, the taxing nature of urinating every fifteen minutes once the seal is broken.

Unfortunately, and much to my embarrassment, I had forgotten a third unquestioned and absolute certainty, one which I couldn't correct before deadline:  The media, particularly in this town, is a collection of ninnies and twits. 

And cocky, self-absorbed, holier-than-thou ninnies and twits at that.

The latest example?

Last night, the Greater Cleveland Sports Awards (motto: "Huh?") were announced and Tribe ace C.C. Sabathia was named the city's professional athlete of the year by a panel of local "media".

To quote the GCSA's mission statement, "Huh?" 

Where was I and how did I miss coverage of LeBron's trade/death/incarceration?  Certainly there would have been a blurb or two on his bolting town or leaving this mortal coil.

I guess with all of the Larry O'Brien's cluttering up The Q, single-handedly getting your team to the NBA Finals just doesn't carry the weight in these parts that it used to.

With all due respect to C.C.--of whom I have been and always will be a huge fan--so long as there is a certain #23 wearing the Wine & Gold, everyone and anyone one else will always be a distant professional second.

And as for the media's "look-how-smart-we-are" vote?  I'm having a hard time deciding between asinine and condescending, so we'll just call it "Condescendingly Asinine".

Which, by the way, would also make a great name for a rock band.

Let me see if I have this Cowboys coaching situation all figured out.

Wade Phillips' offensive coordinator makes more money than he does, and is considered the Golden Boy of Big D's coaching structure.

The only difference between Marcus Brutus and Phillips' new defensive line coach is about two millenniums and the lack of a toga.

And, finally, Phillips' boss not only offed Cowboys legends Tom Landry and Tex Schramm when he bought the team, but he turned around and ran yet another Super Bowl-winning head coach out of town four years later.

Why do I get the feeling that some Bum will end up finding Wade's bullet-riddled, decomposing coaching corpse in some dank Dallas back alley sometime in the near future?

For whatever reason, I will never tire of watching former Cleveland mayor and current UFOologist Dennis Kucinich walking hand-in-hand with his bride, Gigantor.

Today, much to my early morning delight, was yet another opportunity for such an occasion as news of Kucinich dropping out out of the Presidential race broke across Cleveland airwaves.

The whole scene--Dennis skipping off the tour bus, followed closely by the lumbering Elizabeth--took on the look of a cast member for some off-Broadway "Wizard of Oz" revival being dropped off at the theatre by his nanny.

Thank you, Dennis.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Well, for at least a coupla days it is.  Words don't do it justice, so I'll just leave you with a warning that there are a few words that appear on the screen that are not safe for work.

Unless you work at a peep show complex.  Or a construction site.

EDITED 1/21/08: THE LINK WORKS.  AGAIN.  AND FOR NOW.

Not only was Rip Scherer a rumored candidate for the offensive coordinator position at UCLA, he actually interviewed for the job, The OBR has learned.  As reported here yesterday, Scherer removed his name from consideration and will remain in Cleveland.

It's believed that Scherer would have taken the job if it were to have been offered; however, the firing of Titans OC Norm Chow, another candidate for the UCLA job, was likely the impetus that made Scherer conclude that he would not get the slot on Bruins head coach Rick Neuheisel's staff.

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For those keeping score at home, Jason Garrett makes three the number of "hot" assistants who flipped the middle finger to, and dropped trou at, The Land of Needles and STDs, opting instead to stay put as assistant coaches.

You can almost hear his thought process now...

"OK, now, on the one hand, I can stay in Dallas, make more money than the current head coach, and eventually take over the head-coaching position of a quality, top-notch organization. Or, on the other hand, I could go to Baltimore, coach a team full of thugs, felons and me-first types, all the while fending off a raging groinal rash. What should I do?  What should I do?  Oh, the exasperating humanity of this decision!"

Garrett joins Cleveland's Rob Chudzinski and new England's Josh McDaniels as persons this off-season who told the Ravens to STFU.

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When it's all said and done, don't be surprised if the man on the sidelines for the Ravens come September is none other than Marty Schottenheimer.  The former Browns head coach is at the top of Ozzie Newsome's list, and, now that owner Steve Bisciotti's preference is out of the picture, Martyball could indeed be coming to Baltimore. 

Main Entry: vomit

Part of Speech: verb

Definition: eject

Synonyms: barf, be seasick*, be sick, belch, bring up*, disgorge, dry heave*, emit, expel, gag*, heave*, hurl*, keck, lose it, puke*, regurgitate, retch, ruminate, spew, spit up, throw up, upchuck

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Speaking of retching and bile...

Yes, I am an American Idol fan.  Huge, in fact.  It's my dirty little secret, known only to a precious few. 

To quote Faith's hubby, I like it.  I love it.  Dammit, I want some more of it.

Some people experiment with recreational drug usage.  Some people poke sharp objects into their eyes, ears or other bodily orifices.  Some even enjoy a swift kick to the nads.

For me, none of those can top watching Simon eviscerate the non-British or the homely, or Randy gaining two pounds between commercial breaks, or being able to hear Ryan through his closet, or Paula moistening and ovulating the nanosecond a hot dude walks through the audition doors.

With that in mind, allow me to handicap the seventh season of Idol thus far, just two episodes in:

• Smokin' Hot Chick From Episode One: Even
• Smokin' Hot Chick #2 From Episode Two: 2-1
• Smokin' Hot Chick #1 From Episode Two: 4-1
• Dude My Better Half Thinks Is "Pretty": 8-1
• The Field: 10-1
• Odds I Continue Watching Because Of The First Three: Off the board

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It's only 17 days into the new year, but we have a leader in the clubhouse for "Father of the Year" honors.  Matthew Kowald of Portage, Wisconsin, was charged yesterday with disorderly conduct after taping a Green Bay Packers jersey to his seven-year-old son.

Apparently, the little bastard refused to wear the jersey during the Packers' playoff win over the Seahawks this past Saturday.  So, doing what any responsible parent and hardcore fan would do, the "FOTY" candidate grabbed a role of tape and affixed the clothing to the snot-nosed, disrespectful brat.

Like my father always told me, there are three essentials to good parenting.  Love.  Patience.  And a shelf full of duct tape.

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Public service announcement: 30 days and counting until Dale Jr. wins the 50th running of The Great American Race.

What a coup Cleveland's only Print Publication executed.

(Writer's note: I capitalized both "print" and "publication", which should keep some members of Cleveland's only Print Publication from getting catty.  Or another c-word that I can't type in proper company.)

Reached right out there and stole the sports journalism bullion from their "competitors" down south and a tweak east.

If not for that, us poor folk up here in the holler outside the Ring of Cleveland would not get insights like...

"It makes little sense to debate the politics behind the firing of Browns defensive coordinator Todd Grantham."

Now, for those poor folk that ain't as learned as me am, lemme give you a translation:

"I didn't report it first, the first reports were correct; therefore, it doesn't matter what happened and let's move on without any type of discussion or discourse."

June 17, 1982.

The day Cleveland sports journalism began it's slow and agonizing death.

R.I.P.

Yet again, here's a story you'll find only and exclusively on The Orange & Brown Report. 

"Only and exclusively", that is, until the "MM" gets the whiff of day-old road kill laying off to the side of I-480.  At that point, they'll circle the remaining carcass in a frenzy, pick it over with their talon-like digits, and claim the remaining flesh as their own.

Such is the mainstream buzzard anymore.

Anyway...

Over the last 3-5 days, the Los Angeles Times has been reporting that Rip Scherer is one of three finalists for the offensive coordinator position at UCLA.

That is no longer the case, The OBR has learned, as sources from both the university and the Cleveland Browns have confirmed that the quarterback coach has removed himself from consideration for the position and will remain in Cleveland.

For the complete story, click HERE.